


letters - xiuchen

by cheniverse



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, OT9 (EXO)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24583972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheniverse/pseuds/cheniverse
Summary: After a terrible car accident, a box of love letters were found under the victim's bed.
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. chapter one

The eldest wiped the tears from his cheeks as his view was stuck upon the limp body lying in the hospital bed. He was lost at words, ignoring the lump that was left in his throat after crying as hard as he could.

It was nearly impossible to comprehend everything happening right in front of his eyes and he refreshingly ran his hands over his face, hoping that maybe the setting would disappear and he’d wake up in his bed with cold sweats. Losing one of the most important people in your life is almost always contained in a nightmare, right? 

That’s where reality hits like a bat. Flashbacks of the car ride coincide with the environs of the hospital and the taunting sounds of machinery surrounding Jongdae.

Minseok broke down into another fit of sobs, instantly and tightly shutting his eyes as he refused to look at Jongdae in that state; completely lost in sleep, unable to even breathe without equipment.

All that could be heard in the unsettling, quiet room was the cries of the oldest EXO member, the heart monitor, and Jongdae’s breath, while the remaining 7 sat in silence along the walls of the room, staring at either nothing in particular or Minseok, the one kneeling at the foot of the bed.

“Hyung,” Junmyeon croaked, breaking the tranquility which the room had to offer, “It’s getting late. Maybe we should head home and get some rest.” 

The leader’s face was beat red and his eyes were glassy, in which he looked directly into Minseok’s heartbroken eyes with a tinge of comfort. He inched his body towards the smaller proportioned boy who was crouched close to the floor, kneeling to reach Minseok’s height. He pulled the oldest into a long hug, an embrace that would have the effect of protecting Minseok from all the bad in this cruel world. 

Minseok dug his head deeper into Junmyeon’s neck, tightly clenching his arms around the younger’s torso. It felt like the last time he’d ever hug any of his members.

Junmyeon sighed shakily, stroking the elder’s hair, “He’ll push through this because he’s strong. Jongdae would never leave us. He’d never leave you.” 

“You don’t know that for sure,” Minseok replied.

Baekhyun rose from his seat before approaching the two who were sitting on the floor, parking himself next to them and pulling them into a desired group hug. Minseok was close enough to hear Baekhyun’s heart race and the sound of it’s beats pulled him into a trance, biting his lip at the sight of a Hyundai Equus’s interior.

The sight of broken glass, the sight of blood.

Minseok’s hands were shaking at the touch of the steering wheel and he couldn’t bear to look at the passenger seat beside him. Jongdae’s lax body slouched over the front of the car after he had been thrown towards the windshield, shards of crystal surrounding his delicate head.

“IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!” He screamed, “IT’S MY FAULT, ALL MY FAULT!”

“Don’t say that!” Chanyeol exclaimed as he quickly arranged himself in the small group on the floor, “That asshole hit you, remember? He was drunk. He’ll do his time in jail.”

The rest of the members soon joined the four in a hug, firmly squeezing one another below Jongdae who was in a deep slumber. Baekhyun then departed from the group, leaning over the hospital bed in order to softly stroke Jongdae’s cold face. He let out a squeak before tears welled up in his eyes and he quickly pulled the injured boy into an ever so gentle hug.

“I’m sorry,” Minseok mumbled, watching the younger attach himself to the boy who was unable to respond to his actions, “I’m so sorry I did this to all of you.” 

“That’s enough, hyung. Let’s go home,” Kyungsoo said monotonically after he grabbed the elder’s hand, pulling him away from the rest and into the hallway.

The rest of the members followed them out of the room, heading in the direction of the lobby where they could soon access the car. The thought of being in a car again after the incident made Minseok shiver and he held his breath as he entered it, covering his face from the cameras in the parking lot until he reached the middle of the backseat.

It was a long, dull road trip in the midst of traffic and dirty snow, and the glimpse of the SM Entertainment building washed a wave of relief over the oldest. He exited the van with shaky knees as he waited for the others to meet with him, holding his hand out for someone to grab and to escort him to their dorms. He couldn’t bear walking alone.

The group of eight efficiently met up at the entrance to their home and Junmyeon inserted keys into the doorknob, unlocking the room to let everyone inside. It was quiet as everyone entered and everyone fought to keep it that way, straining their vocal chords from anything other than crying. 

Junmyeon and Yixing had already gone back to their bedroom the second they stepped foot in the dorms, while everyone else remained in the living room, either drifting off to sleep after the tiresome night or keeping themselves awake with anything that was left on television at two in the morning.

“Hyung,” Baekhyun said, eyes dozed from exhaustion. “Do you want me to sleep in your bedroom tonight? I don’t want you to sleep alone.”

“What about Chanyeol?” Minseok perked up.

The younger lifted himself up from the couch and ruffled Minseok’s hair, smiling weakly. “He’ll be okay, he has a nightlight.”

Minseok just replied with a soft chuckle, looking around and noticing that everyone else was asleep, scattered all throughout the living room. Baekhyun had gotten off the couch altogether to go situate himself in the elder’s bedroom, probably to go to bed since it was late at night and just about everyone was ready for this day to be over with. Minseok remained in the living room sitting groggily and motionlessly, continuing to rest himself against the foot of the sofa. He felt his eyes begin to close and the sound of the television begin to blur.

“Yah, Minseok, come here. You might want to see this,” Baekhyun whisper-shouted from inside of Minseok's room.

His eyes shot open as he twisted himself 180 degrees, squinting his eyes at the bright light that had accumulated from the open door. He pulled himself upwards and sluggishly dragged himself in that direction.

"I don't want to see it if it’s about Jongdae. I just want to be distracted until I fall asleep."

“Are you sure?” Baekhyun asked annoyingly before dropping a medium sized box on top of Jongdae’s empty bed.

Minseok unwillingly looked at the dusty, untouched shoebox, silently reading the label plastered onto the lid. His heart sped up.

_Letters for Minseok ♡ 2015 - 2017_

“Where did you…” The elder’s grip on the lid loosened and he allowed his arm to fall to his side, using his left hand to check the temperature of his cheeks after he felt like crying again.

Baekhyun comfortingly sat next to him, draping an arm over Minseok’s narrow shoulder. “Under his bed, but we don’t have to read them if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to.”

A hand was inserted into the depths of the box and Minseok fished for the bottom of the stack of envelopes to pull them out in order from oldest to newest. He slid out the envelope on the bottom of the stack, that single envelope seemingly being the oldest one, ripping it open to find a handwritten letter.

_3/26/15_

_Dear Minseok,_

_Happy birthday, hyung!! Now, bear with me, this isn’t just some normal letter that I hand to you when it’s time to open gifts like some ten year old’s birthday party. In fact, I’m not even giving you this letter today, but I thought this would be a fun idea since I saw this online at like three in the morning. I’m probably doing this wrong… Anyways, let’s just get right into this._

Minseok giggled softly, laying his fist over his mouth.

_For starters, I really hope you enjoyed this day. Obviously, we’ve had better birthday livestreams and celebrations so I want to make sure you aren’t disappointed with anything you’ve received. I have to admit though, the cake was awful, and I could tell you hated it too since you obviously tried your best to keep your distance as you sipped your coffee. Just to put this out there, you’re really damn cute. You have no idea how badly I wanted to join you, however, I couldn’t because we were broadcasted live and it would be odd if everyone was just standing outside of the frame. That’s another thing I wanted to mention. You were so unbothered and bold today with your decision making ㅋㅋㅋ_

“God, I remember this.” Minseok said, finally smiling.

His cheeks turned slightly pink from being flustered and he set the letter down for a few moments, looking at the younger with a genuine smile and dried tears.

”Remember what?” Baekhyun asked, glimpsing at the letter.

”My birthday broadcast from four years ago.” He answered. “The one with the cake that tasted like cardboard.”

”Oh, yeah,” The younger chuckled. “That was definitely not one of our best broadcasts.”

Minseok nodded. “Yeah, and it was most definitely one of my least favorite birthday experiences. It’s funny looking back on that now, though.” 

“Just keep reading, there might be more to it,” Baekhyun grinned.

He picked up the letter once again and he used his small index finger to search for where he left off.

_To sum everything up, the rest of the day went pretty well for me and hopefully for you too. I’m not sure if I should be apologizing, but I’m sorry for basically holding you hostage for the rest of the day. It’s not my fault though, and even though I love spending time with everyone as a group, I was relieved when it was just the two of us for a good portion of our time at the dorms. That’s not creepy, is it? All I’m trying to say is your presence is honestly all I need, even when it’s something as lowkey as watching a drama together in silence. (Even if that escalates and you end up lying completely on top of me, fast asleep, turning it into a cuddlefest. Thank you for that soft experience.)_

_On another note, you should be expecting some corny compliments to be thrown into this letter, not because it’s your birthday but because I love you a whole lot and I want you to know how much I appreciate you. Even though we’ve only known each other for 2, almost 3 short years, you are literally my favorite person on this earth. I’ve never felt closer to anyone and I’ve never felt the way I feel when I’m around you before. You really listen to the things I say, you make me feel like we’re the only people in this world that matter. Practicing with you, resting on the couch with you, everything I do that includes you is my favorite part of my career. Maybe I’m rushing our friendship, but I’ve never felt a stronger connection and that’s the truth. I hope our relationship is like this forever and hopefully we’ll end up sharing a room together someday ㅋㅋ_

_Once again, happy birthday._

_-Your favorite, Jongdae_

Minseok folded the letter back up and delicately placed it beside him, leaning over to rest his face in his palms while Baekhyun comfortingly rubbed his back.

"Should I read another?" He spoke into his hands.

Baekhyun stopped moving his hand, pulling it away and placing it into his lap. "No, Minseok, you need sleep. We have practice tomorrow."

The older sighed heavily after removing his hands from the surface of his face, looking back at the box of letters while fighting off his temptations. It was a reminder that Jongdae is in the hospital, highly unlikely to make it out of there alive, and unable to tell Minseok these things in person. A wave of depression washed over him again and his enlightened expression faded, causing him to look rather passionless.

“Goodnight, Baek,” Minseok mumbled suddenly and pessimistically.

Baekhyun frowned at the sudden change of mood, though, he was understanding as he helped the older stand from the exterior of the bed. Once the two were standing amongst the hardwood floor, Baekhyun pulled Minseok into a desired hug.

“Promise me you’ll sleep tonight, okay?”

“No promises,” Minseok said. “But I’ll try my best.”


	2. chapter two

_His surroundings were dark as rain quietly tapped on the car windows, light from the streetlights ahead passing through the thin sheets of glass. It was rather quiet, yet peaceful, almost as if he could fall asleep at this very moment and feel completely at ease. He shifted in his seat while a nervous feeling began to brew in his stomach and he went about latching his fingers together to play with his thumbs. Although everything gave off what seemed like complete serenity, he couldn’t help but feel unsafe, like the calm before the storm._

_He continued to play with his hands until a vibration took over every part of his body, making his heart race at jet speed before he directed his vision to what was right in front of him, noticing the steering wheel right below his collar bones. He was in the driver's seat of that damned Hyundai Equus._

_It took awhile until he could finally adjust in his seat and feel the bare minimum of nervousness, though, he looked beside him to see Jongdae sitting harmlessly in the passenger seat, completely focused on the road in front of him. Minseok’s eyes lit up at the sight of that valued human being, swallowing hardly as Jongdae looked precious and fragile as ever. Minseok knew what would happen next and he stared at the younger for the remaining seconds he had, taking in the beauty of his side profile and how delicate it seemed. He wanted to cup Jongdae’s face in his hands, taking in the sensation of the younger’s untouched skin._

_He reached out to touch Jongdae’s cheek, resting his hand along the silhouette of his cheekbone and gently caressing his face with his thumb. Jongdae slowly turned towards the older with a tinge of sadness and he laid his hand on top of Minseok’s, sitting motionlessly for what seemed like a millisecond before everything went to rubble._

_The car jerked sideways as a result of being ruthlessly hit by another car, spinning completely out of control. Glass sparkled in the moonlit sky, screams accumulating throughout the deafening sounds of metal caving in on the two passengers._

Minseok shot upwards with a breakout of sweats, panting heavily out of shock. A nightmare had never felt more scarily real, especially since it was based on true events, that event being one of the lowest points in his entire life.

He sighed heavily and exhaustedly once he was finally able to control his breathing and he caught a glimpse of his digital alarm clock, groaning at the fact that he still had a following twenty minutes of sleep before he had to get up for breakfast. He settled himself back under his covers as he turned to face the bed adjacent to his own, hoping that this experience was all just some disgusting fantasy. 

He loved Baekhyun so much, but Jongdae’s absence was just an awful feeling.

However, he shrugged at the fact that Baekhyun was still sleeping peacefully without any interruptions, especially after Minseok’s episode of waking up from a horrifying nightmare. He then flipped over onto his back to view the plain, white ceiling with bloodshot eyes glued open, barely even making an attempt to fall back asleep for the remaining minutes of the peace and quiet he still had. 

Soonly, he remembered the box of letters.

His expression illuminated at that thought and he returned to a sitting position, searching for the box that had been disassembled the previous night. Placed right below the foot of Baekhyun’s adopted bed, the box sat amongst the floor with temptations written all over the lid. Minseok listened closely for Baekhyun’s quiet breaths as he traveled across the room, picking the shoebox up from the hardwood floor ever so carefully. 

He then retrieved it back to his own bed, opening the box slowly, revealing the stack of envelopes he had been dying to open up. His next letter was placed right on top, exactly where he left it from the night before.

_9/23/15_

_Dear Minseok,_

_I’ve returned, and this time, I’m switching things up a little bit. I debated a whole lot over this but I decided it’s for the best, so I’m completely changing the plot of these letters since there’s so much more I should tell you._

_Firstly, before we get into this, I wanted to talk a little bit about stress. Minseok, I know you bottle up your emotions and I can’t help but feel so awful whenever I see you like this. I don’t know if you know this but it’s so unhealthy to do that. Soon enough, that bottle will break and the situation will be worse than how it was before. As a human being, it’s simply impossible to contain that much stress, emotion, and sadness in a single body before you burst and I know this from experience. Additionally, this doesn’t just apply to everything that’s happened throughout this shitty year. This applies to absolutely everything, including our future, because god only knows what year it’ll be when you read this and how much more of a dumpster fire life may become. So just know that I’ll be here whenever you need me and you can tell me anything, even if it’s about me._

_On a more positive note though, I think it’s fair to consider me psychic. I said in my last letter that I was waiting for the day we share a room, and look at us now. I can’t describe with words how excited I still am! I hope you don’t mind, but on this episode of “Letters to Minseok”, I’ll be describing some of the perks of being your roommate._

_Sharing beds, sharing clothes, seeing your godforsaken bare body more often (I’m not perverted, you’re just a work of art), and the list goes on. My favorite is probably the way you spoon me every night; even if it’s unintentional, that really makes us married now, doesn’t it? ㅎㅎㅎ_

_Okay, back to the point, it’s time to get serious again. These letters are all over the place, I know. It really portrays how I’m feeling at this exact moment._

_But as I was saying along the lines of stress, It’s been extremely overbearing nowadays. I don’t know how to act, talk, or even feel. It’s like I discover so much about myself when I’m under pressure and for some insane reason, I really feel like you need to hear this heart to heart. From me and in my own words._

_I love you, Kim Minseok. Not in a casual, brotherly way, but in a way that we all know is completely against our contract. I promise I’m not being delusional, I just want you to understand that this is all coming from the bottom of my heart. I’m stressed, sure, but this is something I’ve wanted to tell you forever while fighting back every single urge since our rookie days._

_You were always so close with Luhan and it felt wrong to feel this way, but I’ve reached my limit to the point of just giving up on my chances and telling you how I truly feel. I’m really in love with you. Romantically, sexually, out of admiration, inspiration, everything. You make me feel so special all the time, and everything about you is just absolutely perfect, inside and out. The warm touch of your body against mine, the way you talk to me, and for crying out loud, even the way you stare at me._

_Look, I know we’re all in a bad state of mind right now and this is an awful time to declare my feelings for you. I’m not sure if this situation will change much more over the course of time either, so I’m sorry I even feel this way to begin with. Truly._

_Thank you for always being there to listen._

_\- Jongdae_

The digital alarm clock sounded and tears uncontrollably fell from the ducts of Minseok’s eyes. He sat stock still and the piece of paper was still held between his fingers, his back bouncing up and down from silently crying. He could no longer withstand the pain, especially after reading something so life changing now that the one person that mattered to him most was gone.

“Hyung?” Baekhyun said in a raspy tone, ruffling his hair with his slender fingers.

Minseok didn’t respond to the short gesture, staring at nothing in particular while his sniffling was the only sound he made an effort to make.

“Minseok, answer me.”

“I’m fine,” He finally replied, though he tried his best to avoid eye contact, “I’m fine.”

Crying this early in the morning was not something he wanted others to see. It took a moment before he could even alter his position, sitting in silence for the next few moments out of pure depression. Baekhyun sighed loudly in Minseok’s direction, looking at the elder with listening and caring eyes until he finally got a glance in return.

“How long are you gonna sit there and sulk before you finally crack?” The younger asked quick-wittedly, though, his face contrasted his words as his eyes spoke genuinely, “You know we’re all going through the same thing right now, this isn’t something you should keep from any of us. We’re all gonna get through this as a family.”

Minseok gulped, rubbing his hands over his face, “It’s more complicated than you think.”

Baekhyun huffed, “Try me.”

“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but, Jongdae and I… We’ve had quite a few forks in the road throughout our life together, however, it’s never been anything like what I just saw with my own eyes. I read another letter while you were asleep and I saw things I probably wasn’t supposed to see until Jongdae could build up the courage to show me in person. He poured his heart out for me, Baekhyun. He confessed to me. It’s never felt more meaningful and special and I’m not just saying this because he’s on death road. We’ve always had something, like a spark, and it’s so hard to explain to you. It’s love, at the very least.”

“What do you mean by ‘love’? What are you on about?”

“For starters, I mean every single type of love out there,” Minseok smiled through his tears, “But most importantly to me, Jongdae was _in_ love with me. And I think I’m in love with him too.”

Baekhyun’s lips began to quiver over his sleepy expression and he diligently slid over to Minseok’s bed, pulling the crying boy into another long, convincing hug.

“You know there’s a chance he’ll survive, right?” He whispered into Minseok’s ear with a tinge of hope. “Think positively and Jongdae will come out of that hospital in good health and have a full, quick recovery.”

“Believe me, I’m not a religious person and I’m praying to God every second of the day.”

Baekhyun smiled weakly, rocking Minseok back and forth in a playful manner disregarding the tears that were falling amongst the apples of his cheeks. “We’ll get through this, okay? Now let’s get up and get breakfast.”


	3. chapter three

Fumes of freshly baked pancakes floated throughout the unit and Kyungsoo’s calls could be heard from across the dorms, offering breakfast to the seven other members. It was another typical morning; Kyungsoo cooked, Minseok cleaned, and Junmyeon kept everything else in order with the help of Yixing. Everyone had exited their rooms, dressed in baggy pajamas, and for some, dressed in nothing but bottoms.

The members lined up alongside the counter, receiving their plates of pancakes, and seating themselves amongst the parallel barstools. Dark orange sunlight had reflected amongst the countertop, making it almost impossible for the members to look down at their food without blinding themselves.

“Thanks for breakfast, hyung,” Jongin said politely, and Kyungsoo acknowledged his gesture with a smile and a small nod.

“Eat a lot this morning and take extra good care of yourselves today, guys,” Junmyeon reassured, “We have practice all day and we aren’t gonna have time get lunch, go figure.”

A few groans could be heard under the sound of clinking silverware as everyone ate as much as they could, even if that meant Kyungsoo was stuck in the kitchen for the remainder of the morning whipping up more pancakes for the members to stock up on. 

Baekhyun looked up from his plate after a few moments, staring at the tall boy sitting across from him until he noticed. Chanyeol continued to eat and it was unknown if he was genuinely distracted or just ignoring him, giving Baekhyun nothing other than silence as a response.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said in a frustrated tone, breaking the cold silence of the room.

The younger finally decided to look up at him with a fork halfway in his mouth, looking utterly annoyed.

Baekhyun gulped, waiting a few more moments before deciding to speak again, “You aren’t mad at me for ditching you last night, are you?”

“No, why would I be mad?” Chanyeol chimed sarcastically, “It’s not like I should expect you to think about me and be there for me.”

It felt like the wind had been knocked out of Baekhyun’s stomach and he sat in his stool like a statue, holding back the urges to cry uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know-”

“Didn’t know what, that Minseok isn’t the only one who took a huge blow from this situation? We’re all hurting, Baekhyun. You, me, Minseok, EVERYONE!” Chanyeol’s voice drastically altered into a shout and the smaller male jumped, shrinking in his seat. 

He then swallowed the lump that was left in his throat, talking in squeaks as he wiped his frightened and downhearted tears from his cheeks, “I was only trying to help. Please... Don’t yell at me like that ever again.”

The younger’s facial expression softened as he watched his boyfriend silently cry. Watching him like that was like watching his whole life crumble before his eyes, making Chanyeol rest his head in the depths of his arms as he knew he was the reason for all of it. He hated seeing Baekhyun upset, more than he hated anything in the whole world, and he sighed loudly before regaining his posture, avoiding eye contact with the smaller boy at all means.

“If you guys aren’t gonna get along, leave,” Sehun hissed, “I’m so fucking tired of you guys fighting while I’m trying to eat. Just take it outside.”

Baekhyun looked at the maknae with his bottom lip tucked under his teeth, exiting the room soundlessly after placing his dirty dishes into the sink. 

“Baekhyun, wait,” Chanyeol’s eyes widened as he watched the boy leave, soonly frowning after he got up to follow Baekhyun into their room.

Everyone else sat awkwardly at their seats, poking their forks at their stacks of pancakes without saying a single word.

“I’m really sorry, hyung,” Kyungsoo finally broke the silence while directing his gesture towards Minseok.

The oldest let out a slight chuckle, “No, it’s alright.”

He then got up to put his dishes into the sink as well, momentarily heading towards the exit doors to grab his coat and some car keys. “I’m heading out, and I’m taking your car, Yixing. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Sure, but we don’t have much downtime,” Yixing furrowed his eyebrows, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to visit Jongdae another time before I return to my normal schedule,” Minseok answered.

Junmyeon instantly made an attempt to stop Minseok from walking out the door, heading over to his location and gently laying a hand on his shoulder, “You can’t, we have practices to attend and you know you can’t skip-”

“I’m going. To see. Jongdae.”

“Yes sir,” Junmyeon nodded.

———

He had finally met with the door of that doomed room. He rested his forehead against the frigid glass of the window as the disturbing sight of Jongdae in that state gave him a second chance to think everything through. He shakily laid his hand on the door knob, twisting it open before being greeted by sounds of machinery and breathing equipment, though, it was still peaceful as the younger boy’s body was motionless and lost in sleep.

Minseok sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed, scooting it closer to the side of the mattress so that he could easily rest his hand on Jongdae’s fragile cheek. He ran his thumb over a gash that had been left alongside his cheekbone and exhaled loudly, placing his hand back in his lap.

“Jongdae,” He mumbled, pulling an envelope out of the pocket of his jacket. He had retrieved a letter from the stack before he went to get his breakfast, planning this visit since early in the morning. And so far, it was going exactly as planned.

“I figured I could read one of your letters to you, only because I want this hellhole to be over. I just want to convince myself that you’re listening to me,” He sniffed, pulling the piece of paper out.

_ 4/14/16 _

_ Dear Minseok, _

_ Hello, love, it’s been a hot minute. I don’t think our schedule has ever been this full ever since we started planning Ex’Act. Sooman is really going all out, isn’t he? ㅋㅋㅋ You really must be tired though, not because I’m buried under your body once again since your sleeping habits have never heard of personal space, just in case you were wondering. (But I won’t complain.) By the way, you’re really pretty when you sleep. It’s sickening because I look quite the opposite. _

“Don’t worry, babe,” Minseok instantly got flustered as he referred to Jongdae as that nickname, smiling sadly at the sleeping boy, “You’re beautiful.”

_ I should probably re-evaluate my last letter. Don’t think I forgot about that one, it’s been haunting me ever since I wrote it. Don’t worry though, I meant everything I said and I still do. I really do love you so much, and I hate to be corny but I’d love to just take you into my arms and call you mine.  _

Minseok giggled shyly while his cheeks burnt bright red.

_ Since it’s late at night and I’m bored and lovesick, I might as well write you a dumb appreciation letter to make these feelings go away for the night so I can sleep. You have no idea how much it bothers me sometimes. _

_ Anyway, to start out, I’m going to be an asshole and bring up your habit of sleeping on me. I know how much you hate it when I talk about it, but you have no idea how soft and mushy it makes me feel, especially since it only seems to be me that you sleep on. This isn’t just when we sleep in the same bed together, oh no, it’s everywhere. If you’re tired, I’m your pillow. Whether it’s in my lap, in my arms, or just flat out on top of me like how we were positioned just a few minutes ago, it’s always something. But I love it, and I always make sure I cuddle you back somehow. _

_ However, as soon as you’re awake, that’s what truly gets me going. There’s so many things you do without thinking that make my heart flutter all the damn time. Like, your existence alone makes me feel like an elsa, except I’m lucky enough to be with you every second of the day.  _

_ Next, I am going to bring up your hugs. You give great hugs, hyung, and it’s quite cute. Even when it’s on the couch on a cold winter day and we’re huddled up, watching a drama. I want that to last an eternity. Or, when you hug me from behind and you do that thing where you rest your chin on my shoulder, tightly wrapping your arms around my waist. And then I do that thing where I rest my hands on top of yours and you can’t see how hard I’m trying to contain my smile. Yeah, that. I like that too. _

_ And worst of all, I love the way you look when you get embarrassed. Hate me all you want, but I will embarrass the life out of you until I’m satisfied with how cute your red, flustered face is. And that little laugh you give me, it’s like you’re trying to punish me. You really make me lose it sometimes! _

_ It is now 12:46 AM and I should probably get to bed since we have to get up early tomorrow, but I had so much fun writing this. Possibly too much fun. I might have an obsession and I will most definitely write to you more often. I hope you slept well on top of me before I unfortunately woke you up, and I apologize for that. Sleep well tonight too~! _

_ Love, Jongdae _

“Chen, the main vocalist of the nation’s pick, EXO, has suffered severe injuries from an unfortunate car accident late last night. The singer is now at bed rest-“

Minseok choked back his tears as he quickly took the remote from the side of Jongdae’s bed, doing everything in his power to switch the television out of the taunting news channel. He then looked back at Jongdae, gently picking his hand up from the surface of the mattress and cupping it in between his own, placing a small kiss onto it.

“I wish I knew why the universe is trying to take you away from me.”


	4. chapter four

The hospital doors flung to the sides as four members loudly filled the entrance, causing the serenity left in the room to shatter into sounds of stampedes and frantic shouting. Minseok’s eyes shot open and he distressfully sat up in his chair, leaving Jongin to approach the older before crouching down to his level.

“What the hell, hyung?!” He scolded, placing his arms onto Minseok’s shoulders, “You basically just wrote yourself a death note! How could you just fall asleep?!”

Minseok tiredly rubbed his eyes while he felt his heart begin to pick up in pace after he had noticed the time written on the clock above the door.

“1:47 PM…” He gritted his teeth.

Six whole hours had been spent in this hospital room.

It was now a moment of thinking the worst and his mind filled with dread and worry as the scenarios with his boss never had happy endings. Making even the slightest mistakes in this industry was like a stab in the back to any of the CEOs under SM Entertainment but this in particular could land him in a trap that would be extremely hard to escape. Missing practice without an excuse was like missing an annular eclipse, facing the consequences of never seeing one again.

“I’m sorry, oh my god, I can’t believe this,” He breathed heavily.

“Manager hyung already notified the CEO,” Sehun said, looking genuinely frightened, “We tried to stop it but we didn’t get back to the dorms in time.” 

Kyungsoo sighed, “It doesn’t matter anyway, it’s our fault for even letting you come here. It’s already affecting you, Minseok, just look at you. Jongdae wouldn’t want this for you either.”

“Don’t ever use Jongdae for your arguments! Ever!” Minseok felt his blood boil as he stood upright from his chair, taking Jongdae’s hand and sternly looking Kyungsoo in the eye. “Do you really think I give a shit what he wants at this point? I’m just so worried about him, every second of the day. Jongdae’s death is my only fear and his health his my number one priority, under any fucking circumstance. Don’t ever tell me that again. Please.” 

Minseok’s words were turned into sobs as he could no longer contain his pain, letting every inch of sadness creep it’s way out of his eyes, nose, and lips. The four others pulled the oldest into an endearing hug, keeping Kyungsoo the closest to him distance-wise while he softly stroked Minseok’s hair.

“You think we haven’t felt the same this whole time?” Kyungsoo spoke in a soft tone, “We’re a family. Families may feel the same pain, but we also overcome it together. We’re worried about you just as much, Minseok. You have to understand that.” 

“I’m so sorry I fell asleep. Really. But don’t be surprised when I never sleep again if I can’t at least sleep in the same room as-” Minseok vaguely cut himself off below small sniffles as his words were muffled under the mass of three other bodies, “Never mind, it’s not like you’d understand.”

Sehun spoke up, nudging his body closer to the oldest while gently pushing Jongin and Kyungsoo out of his way, “You know, I’d understand more than you think. Luhan existed once until he left us. That day has literally haunted me from then until now and I used to always try to contact him without the CEO’s permission, even though all I have is his old phone number which he doesn’t respond to. It was like texting and calling a ghost.”

“Why did you even bother?”

“It was a coping mechanism,” Sehun chuckled softly to himself, contradicting the tears he held back, “It sounds crazy but it worked. Even though I miss him so damn much everyday, it made me think about him less. I know it isn’t that simple to you or to any of us but at least consider finding a distraction. It’ll all be over before you know it. Jongdae hyung is strong, he’ll pull through this.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Sehun, and like you said, it really isn’t that simple,” Minseok said.

The youngest could no longer hold back his tears and he let out a yelp before letting it all out, “Not for any single one of us. I feel like I’ve lost so many people in the span of these seven years. So. Many. People.” 

“Jongdae is strong, remember?” Jongin smiled weakly while patting Sehun on the back, “Sooner or later, possibly today, his eyes will open and everything will be exactly like the way it was.” 

It didn’t take long until everyone else started to weep, and another hug was conjoined among the four of them at the foot of the hospital bed.

“We should probably head home before it’s too late,” Kyungsoo said under a sniff as he dried his cheeks with his sleeve.

“Home? What about practice?” Asked Minseok.

“There was a change of plans,” Jongin answered, “More specifically, YOU were the change of plans.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“We couldn’t practice without you at a time like this, which is why we’re here in the first place,” Baekhyun added onto Jongin’s statement, “The manager already canceled our schedule for the first half of today so enjoy this while it lasts.”

Kyungsoo backed away from the circle around minseok, allowing a small smile to creep its way onto his exhausted and distressed face. “How does lunch sound?”

The rest of the members groaned at the thought of food after a sensation of starvation took over their bodies. 

“I would sell both my kidneys for a slice of pizza right now,” Baekhyun said with his eyes shut tightly, holding his hand over his stomach.

“Well then, we should probably head out before it’s too late,” Kyungsoo shrugged, “And besides, I can’t stand being in this room any longer.”

“Wait,” Minseok chirped.

The oldest sluggishly crouched back down to Jongdae’s level, brushing the boy’s unwashed hair away from his face to expose his forehead. Minseok’s head gently rested itself against Jongdae’s for a few moments before he lingered higher up to reach Jongdae’s untouched forehead, placing a small kiss on top of it.

“Wake up soon, okay?”

———

“How does pizza sound?” Baekhyun asked thoughtlessly while exiting his room, cell phone in hand.

The question didn’t reach many ears as no one seemed to care enough to respond, hoping Baekhyun would already know the answer to that question. He sighed at that unintended response, flopping lazily onto the couch before dialing the number of everyone’s mutual favorite pizza parlor down the street.

“Can you order a separate pizza with pineapple on it?” Chanyeol asked suddenly, causing the smaller boy to jump at his loud talking voice.

“What? Why?”

“Because I know you love hawaiian pizza and I wanted to give it a go without eating all of yours,” He answered quickly with pursed lips. 

Baekhyun exhaled loudly through his nose, visibly annoyed, “As you wish.” 

The living room got quiet as Chanyeol had returned to his dorm to kill time, leaving Minseok to be the only one keeping Baekhyun company. Minseok avoided small talk as he watched the younger stare at his phone screen with his thumb hovering over the ‘call’ button after he had already typed in the number of the parlor.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what to do,” Baekhyun mumbled with slight cracks in his voice, “Do I break up with him? Do I forgive him for the 567th time?”

Minseok frowned, “Don’t talk like that, Baekhyun.”

“Why not? Ever since that damn scandal I always felt like he saw me differently. Not to mention, he initiated all our fights. Every single one.”

Baekhyun took a moment to calm himself down, breathing steadily to keep the tears from falling for the millionth time, “Does he still love me?”

“All of those fights were out of love if you really think about it,” The older said, gently seating himself next to Baekhyun who was silently crying. “He was angry with you because he loves you, He felt betrayed because he loves you, he’s quick at drawing conclusions because he loves you, he felt excluded when you stayed in my room because he loves you… Should I continue?”

“How do I know you’re not just telling me this out of pity?”

“Because,” Minseok started, “If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be so scared of losing you.”

“I’ve never felt more scared of losing anyone in my life,” Baekhyun sighed, “And before you tell me I’m pouring my heart out to the wrong person, why don’t you just leave quickly so I can talk to Chanyeol alone?”

Minseok chuckled, “Sheesh, at least say thank you for the advice.”

“Thanks, hyung,” The younger smiled crookedly, “Now go.”

Minseok nodded as he slowly rose from the couch, giving Baekhyun one last look while walking in the direction of the hallway. His dorm room was the last safe place he could go before lunch arrived and practice started back up again, since him and his members normally have to assemble for practice twice a day, hours at a time. Being able to rest was one of the hardest parts of his day, and reading another letter would take up ninety percent of his resting time – which is what he intended.

Minseok then entered his room, carelessly throwing his body onto Jongdae’s bed while inhaling deeply through his nose. It still smelled strongly of expensive cologne from just a few nights ago and he bit his lip at that minor detail, tightly hugging the comforter with his left hand and picking up the box of letters from the bedside table with his other hand.

“This is my last one,” He said with a poker face, desperately holding the shoe box between his shaky fingers.

He then set the box on top of his lap, retrieving the next letter from the pile and ripping it open.

_3/13/16_

_Dear Minseok,_

_I don’t know if you’ve noticed, not that I’ve made it obvious, but I’ve been feeling so hopeless lately. So, so, so hopeless. I can’t help but feel like I’m misreading signs and whenever I look at you, I feel so delusional. It’s probably just the lack of sleep because of schedules and traveling but there’s always been that feeling in the pit of my stomach that this whole ‘thing’ I have going on between you and me is just a fantasy. I’d also like to apologize beforehand for being so hypocritical since I, too, have been bottling up my emotions._

Minseok furrowed his eyebrows at the sudden change in mood.

_Look, Minseok, we’re idols. Idols are supposed to be able to handle their career the second they sign their contract. Why is it that I suddenly feel like rethinking my whole life over a stupid crush? My career, my passions, and my life are all going to have their ups and downs but for the past few months, I’ve only been able to experience the downs. I feel so lacking in energy and motivation to do anything and all I want to do is be able to live normally for a single day. I want to feel like I’m capable of feeling human emotion without feeling guilty about it later on_ – _I want to be able to look at the crowd and still feel deserving of them after all the blind love I’ve thrown in your direction. I hope this makes sense, I really do. I didn’t know I was capable of crying like this until now._

_I guess I can say that these letters have been more of a substitute for a diary since I trust you this much not to judge me, and it’s not like I don’t tell you things in person but the way I’ve been writing to you is something I want you to see when the time is right. I don’t know when that’ll be; it could be this year, It could be in five years, or it could be never. Looking back on how things have been these past few months, that last suggestion could possibly be the way to go. I can’t be deep in thought without losing my appetite._

_I want you so badly Minseok, but I can’t have you and that is the cold, harsh reality of it all._

_\- Jongdae_

“Of course that isn’t reality, you idiot,” Minseok choked on his words, “Reality is when the love of your life is taken away from you and you watch it all happen before your very eyes. You can’t react, you can’t help the situation, you just watch until it’s all over.”

His hands clenched around the thin piece of paper, unintentionally wrinkling the sides as his grasp grew tighter and tighter by the second. His mind went blank as the silence of the room put him into a trance and he stared at nothing in particular, swallowing harshly while trying to keep himself from crying once again.

He soon jumped, resulting from the sudden phone call that made his phone ring alarmingly. 

“Aish, who is that?” He cursed to himself, sliding off the bed and walking towards the other side of the room where his bed was at.

_Incoming Caller: The CEO or whatever ㅋㅋ_

“Shit.”


	5. chapter five

“Yes, I would like nine small pizzas. Two hawaiian and six peperoni,” Baekhyun ordered politely, “Thank you.”

He lowered the phone into his lap, heaving a long sigh while stretching his body out to take up the entire couch. He was stressed, as usual, except this time, all he had to comfort him was the couch he sat upon. He waited for Chanyeol to come back from around the corner, resting both his hands onto his stomach as he monitored the hallway with pursed lips. It didn’t take long for the friendly giant to return to the scene and he stood at the left arm of the couch where Baekhyun’s feet were crossed over each other, gazing directly into the older’s eyes with an apologetic expression.

“...Do you want me to pick up the pizza?” Chanyeol offered hesitantly.

Baekhyun didn’t answer his question, however, the slightest smile grew onto his face while he watched his boyfriend stand there with his curly hair and his baggy sweat suit. 

“What are you smiling at?” He raised an eyebrow after noticing Baekhyun’s subtle guise of admiration, “Do I have bedhead?”

“No, it’s just…” He took a moment to think of what he wanted to say, stopping himself before he came up with some lame excuse, “You know I love you, right?”

“Of course I do…” Said Chanyeol, “What’s this about?”

“It’s about me being an awful human being and an even worse boyfriend.”

“What? Why would you even say thatー”

“Because we both know it’s true,” Baekhyun cut him off, “This isn’t just about last night, but about all the times I’ve prioritized over you. Looking back on us since before we even ended up in this shithole of a dorm room, you’ve been so great to me. You’ve protected me, you’ve comforted me, you’ve encouraged me, you’ve shown your love for me whether it was through affection or pain, and I just don’t know how to own up to everything I’ve done to push you away.”

Baekhyun continued to smile, though, tears began to stream down the apples of his cheeks and his chin began to flex as he tried to keep himself from breaking down into pathetic sobs.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you this morning, Baek,” Chanyeol frowned, worriedly sitting next to Baekhyun on the couch while his hand reached out to cup the older’s damp cheek.

“The last thing I want from you is an apology. I deserve what I got and that’s why I’m having this conversation with youー”

“STOP, Baekhyun, please stop,” He exclaimed.

Baekhyun looked Chanyeol directly in the eyes, taking the younger’s hand off his cheek so that he could hold it.

The younger poured out, “We are meant to have each other. Who cares if I’m way too forgiving and who cares if you’re a real idiot sometimes? We have our flaws but we make it work because we love and understand each other like no one else in this world.”

The smaller boy was now being pulled into a heartfelt embrace, controlling his tears as Chanyeol’s fingers combed their way through his long, messy hair.

“As for yourself, you know, you’re so weirdly perfect,” He continued with a chuckle and Baekhyun smirked, “Like, you could literally punch me in the face and I’d thank you for it because you’re you and I’m me. I don’t really know how to explain my feelings now because it’s been nine years since I first met you but they’re still there and they’re still so strong.”

“That was the most confusing compliment I think I’ve ever gotten from you,” Baekhyun smiled, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

The older’s smile faded and he leaned in closer, leaving Chanyeol to do the same until their lips finally touched. The weight was finally lifted off of Baekhyun’s shoulders and he gave into the kiss like it was the first time, grinning in between it with satisfaction.

“Jesus, I feel like it’s been years since I’ve seen you two like this,” Sehun gasped, stopping in his tracks.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun departed without a thought. The older bit his lip out of sudden self-consciousness while Sehun started to giggle at the pair, leaving Chanyeol who looked over at the youngest with a look of annoyance.

“Piss off.”

“No, but seriously, when was the last time you two even had sexー”

“PISS OFF, SEHUN!” Chanyeol yelled, throwing a decorative pillow in Sehun’s direction.

The youngest avoided the pillow by scurrying off into the kitchen, finally leaving the two alone. They sat in silence for a few moments before Baekhyun finally looked over at Chanyeol, a mischievous smile creeping onto his face.

“Wanna go have sex now?” He joked.

Chanyeol’s expressionless face softened and he began to giggle, gently pushing Baekhyun in the shoulder, “Shut up.”

“See, Baekhyun, what did I tell you?” Minseok chimed, making an entrance.

Baekhyun sighed, “You were right and I was just being dramatic, blah blah.”

“Wait,” Chanyeol added to the conversation as Minseok headed towards the key hook beside the exit door, “Where are you going?”

“I just have to make a stop. Don’t worry, I’ll be back shortly. I PROMISE.”

“You better as hell come back, hyung,” Baekhyun said sternly, “Don’t make the same mistake.”

The oldest rolled his eyes and grinned, quickly opening the backdoor and stepping outside into the main hallway of the building. “Bye, guys.”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol both turned their heads towards each other in sync, then back towards where the oldest was standing, only to be greeted by a closed door.

__________

Cold beads of sweat swelled onto Minseok’s forehead as he navigated the business building, looking for the slowest possible way to arrive at the CEO’s office. It wasn’t a matter of being stupid on Minseok’s part but more of him being irresponsible out of love, and he tried to reassure himself that the longer he dragged his feet across the carpetted floor. Sucking up to the CEO of one of the richest entertainment companies in Korea was an impossible task at it’s finest, regardless of your privilege or financial background under the company itself.

After a good few minutes, he finally reached his destination with a feeling of worry at the pit of his stomach. He didn’t know how he would get punished or how far he could go before getting suspended which, by any means, wasn’t that much farther. Every breath he took was taken seriously under his contract. With that thought, he puffed air into his chest and slowly creaked open the office door, meeting face to face with the CEO.

“Where were you this morning?” The man asked, breaking the unsettling silence.

Minseok looked down at his feet, opening his mouth to speak, though, words were coming out in spaces, “I was at the hospital.” 

“And why were you there instead of practice?”

“I wanted to visit Jongdae.”

“Do you take any of this seriously?”

“Of course I do, sir, but I prioritize my brothers—”

“Now, that’s where I gotta stop you,” He cut Minseok off with a slight breath, “The accident was beyond unfortunate, I know. We all are crossing our fingers in hopes that the kid is alright, but you have to think about reality and everything else that needs to be maintained. Think about your job, your audience, hell, maybe even your own mental health.”

“I know,” Minseok mumbled.

“Sometimes you just have to think about yourself,” The man said in a gentle tone, “It’s time to regain consciousness.”

“I appreciate your concern, I really do, but can’t you cut me a little slack? Jongdae is dying,” Minseok shuttered as tears pricked the backs of his eyes, “He’s an entire human being that we’ll never be able to replace. I, on the other hand, am not going anywhere.”

“Now, Minseok, let’s not have a tone.”

“A  _ tone _ ? Are you kidding?” Minseok could no longer contain his anger, “I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking about the outcomes of Jongdae’s medical conditions! Not a second goes by that I don’t feel guilty and secretly hated by everyone surrounding me and if you want to call that a ‘me-problem’, go right ahead! I’m not just gonna sit here and watch him die while planning a future for myself!”

“I understand, but—”

“No, you don’t,” The boy said with a dry tone in his voice, “And you never will.”

The CEO froze in the position he was in, taking everything in for a few moments before coming up with a coping response. Minseok was still standing in the same spot as he was when he first entered the room, except this time, his arms were crossed over each other as his nails were digging into his skin.

The man sighed, “You should take the rest of the day off.”

“...What?” That reaction to his ramble had caught him off guard and he loosened the tight grip he held against his arms.

“Of course, I’ll still have to punish you by contract, but I’m letting you off easy. Don’t pull any stunts.”

Minseok swallowed, nodding his head frantically in response to the CEO’s surprisingly merciful gesture. 

The man then opened his mouth to speak again, smiling slightly as Minseok continued to give him a shocked expression, “You can choose between punishments. Practicing overtime, deduction of your pay for the month… It’s up to you.”

Minseok thought for a minute. Not getting paid wouldn’t be a good idea in a sense of not being able to pay for Jongdae’s medication of any sort once he was out of the hospital along with apartment expenses, yet practicing overtime would leave him without freetime until visiting hours at the hospital were over. The fact that he was being punished at all over an honest mistake was upsetting as it only added to his shitty day.

He then came to a conclusion, that being the fact that nothing could be worse than not being able to visit Jongdae altogether. Not being able to know if he’s still breathing as hours pass was the worst of all punishments, and absolutely  _ not  _ worth the crime he had committed.

“Well,” The man sighed, getting impatient as Minseok failed to answer his suggestions, “I could just suspend you from all upcoming activities not only as a punishment but also to benefit your mental health, you know, since you’ve seemed out of whack ever since the incident.”

Hearing the word ‘suspend’ was like a kick in the stomach. He thought that statement through with a visible frown, knowing that a suspension could lead to hate from the media. Normally he wouldn’t care about what the population of Korea thought of him, but with a job like his and with the situation he’s in, the last thing he’d want to be called is ‘weak’.

He inhaled deeply before giving the CEO his final answer, “Please, just dig me out of this hellhole.”

“Suspension it is. I’ll have the staff send a notice out to the media.”

Minseok nodded sadly, dragging his feet in the direction of the door where he came from. 


	6. chapter six

As minutes passed, Minseok lost more and more hope, not just along the lines of the incident but the rest of his life as well. He couldn’t be around his members and promote with them, so  _ what was left? _ That question rang in his head while he stood motionless in front of the door to the dorms, deciding whether or not it was a good idea to greet them with this sort of news.

Minseok couldn’t hear any talking or laughing from behind the door he was standing in front of and that broke his heart even more. With such a dark and depressing environment, who would he be to tell them that they’d be losing not one, but two people in the span of 24 hours? He took a deep breath and shakily held onto the doorknob, turning it slowly until his entire body had passed the doorpost. He avoided eye contact by gluing his eyes to his feet, and no one seemed to acknowledge his presence out of avoidance of further arguments or problems.

“Your food is on the table, eat it quickly before we have to leave again,” Said Junmyeon, tersely.

Minseok just nodded without a single word, retrieving the boxed food with visibly quivering lips before settling next to Jongin and across from Baekhyun. Jongin took a short break from eating, turning his body 90 degrees to face Minseok who was avoiding the tanned boy’s gestures.

“Hyung,” He finally spoke after staring at Minseok for a few moments, waiting for a reaction, “Are you going to share with us?”

“Share what?” The older replied.

“You tell me.”

Minseok sighed loudly, placing his index fingers on his temples, “You’d be sparing yourself if you just didn’t ask.”

“What are you talking about, hyung?”

“Is everything alright with the CEO?!”

“Oh, the CEO is just fine,” Minseok said with a cracking voice, “I’m just his emotional punching bag.”

“What happened, Minseok?” Baekhyun asked, his eyes drooping to fit his frown and his hand blindly lying itself on top of the older’s shoulder.

Minseok let out a shaky breath, finally making eye contact with Baekhyun after giving up on resisting the presence of his members, “I got suspended, that’s what happened.”

The room went completely silent. The eldest took a moment to observe his surroundings as no one talked or moved or even made it obvious that they were breathing, using that as a signal to leave everyone be until the general mood is brought to light. With that, he picked up his miniature pizza from the counter and carried it to his room, not even taking a single second to look back with an apologetic expression.

“I’m sorry,” He mumbled over his dreariness before shutting the door.

His body had completely crashed on top of Jongdae’s bed, every limb attached to his torso gaining more and more weight by the second due to exhaustion. He was so  _ tired  _ of living this way, even if it had only been a single day. He was tired of his feelings being belittled, losing his loved ones, being coddled like a baby out of pity. He stared at the ceiling blankly while tears streamed down his temples, though he could no longer feel himself crying. At this point, he didn’t feel sad. He just felt numb.

It was only a matter of time before he engaged in the box of letters sitting exactly where he left them and he used every last bit of strength left in his body to reach over to it, picking up the letter left on top of the stack. Maybe this time Jongdae came with something a little more positive, something to make Minseok genuinely smile.

He then tore it open, pulling out the limp piece of composition.

_ 3/26/16 _

_ So it seems that I’ve returned, and this time, I have something a little less depressing in store for you. Yeah, about that last letter, please just let me dismiss it. I was in a really bad state of mind due to lack of sleep and overbearing schedules, let alone because I was in a shitty mood. But we all know how that is, right? As Idols, we tend to forget how strong we really are and simple barriers like “being busy” shouldn’t be an excuse for letting the people you love most slip through the cracks of your fingers. Even if that means the way we perceive each other is completely different from one another, love is still love. I love you and you love me. That’s all that matters. _

_ Moving on since I don’t want to bore you on your special day, how in the hell are you already 26 years old? You’re such a hag ㅋㅋㅋ _

_ On a serious note, I can’t help myself from looking back on when we were children, back when we were included in the EXO lineup. I was just an aspiring vocalist at 18, and you happened to be there too at 20. Maybe we were a bit more open and touchy with each other back then, but I was also a child in denial of something life changing. Ever since the beginning, there was a spark, Minseok. I just knew, even if we weren’t together romantically, we’d be friends forever. And thank god that rang true because to this day I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. (Wow, this is coming off so dramatically.) _

_ As you may or may not have already seen by now, Jongin and I spent all of last night trying to decorate the dorm to make it look pretty for your special day. Now, bear with me, it was at least 3 in the morning by the time we were completely finished so the results may or may not be a little underwhelming… But it’s the thought that counts, right?  _

_ To wrap up this letter, I might as well just cut it a bit short as I’ve already given you enough appreciations throughout this past year and I bet you’re tired of listening to them by now. You know how much I appreciate you and how much I love you, there’s no need for all the sappy compliments and imagery. However, if one day you do actually read these letters, just let me know if you want me to write you another appreciation letter and I will do it on the spot just for you - Especially if it’s your special day.  _

_ Happy birthday, Minseok! ♡ _

_ \- Jongdae _

“Minseok hyung, can I come in?” A voice asked shakily from the other side of the door.

_ Baekhyun. _

The eldest groaned, folding the paper he held between his fingers back into its rectangular shape. He then scanned his room for a quick hiding spot for the letter since he had a feeling that he’d be lectured if he was caught reading another.

“Yeah, just give me a second,” Minseok huffed.

Without a single second to waste, the door clicked open and Baekhyun’s curious head popped through the crack. Minseok then made an attempt to shove the letter under his pillow in time for the younger’s arrival, yet failed as the paper only crinkled against the tight grasp of his frantic hand and the surface of the cushion.

“I thought I told you to give me a second,” Minseok hissed in defeat, no longer bothering to keep the letter a secret, “I decided to rest in my room by myself for a reason, you know.” 

Without hesitation, Baekhyun ripped the piece of paper from Minseok’s hand, waving it in front of his face in an act of antagonization, “Resting, huh?”

“Yes, in fact I was!” The elder whined, “I thought you agreed this would be a good way for me to cope with all this bullshit, anyway.”

“Not when you’re reading them with every little chance you get, hyung,” Baekhyun replied with a genuinely concerned expression, “Don’t let it become an unhealthy obsession.”

Minseok exhaled, shutting his eyes slowly, “You’re just finding new reasons to worry about me by the second, aren’t you?”

“Come on, don’t do that‒”

“Do what?” He retorted, “All I’ve wanted since the moment I stepped into this place 15 minutes ago was to be left alone and I can’t even have that. I’ve lost my soulmate, I’ve lost my job, and now I’m gradually losing the trust of the people I’m closest to in a sense that everyone is becoming scared for me. Are you scared for me, Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun didn’t answer the question, seating himself on the opposite side of the mattress from Minseok, his back facing the elder. 

A rather comforting silence came about as the two had finally sat in peace, leaving Baekhyun to stare at the wall and Minseok to play with his empty fingers as he had nearly forgotten the letter was even taken from him. At that moment, Minseok suddenly felt a warm, consoling sensation in the pit of his stomach. His nerves began to calm while he took a glance at Baekhyun who was still facing the wall, wanting nothing more than a simple hug from the only person who’s been there for him throughout this entire shit show.

“Thank you,” Minseok mumbled.

“For what?”

“Caring.”

“Don’t thank me, we’ll always be here for each other under any circumstance,” Baekhyun responded, finally turning his body to face the elder, “And on that note, I’m all ears if you want to talk about what happened today. If not, I’ll leave.”

Minseok took a moment to think. His mind was blurry as he tried to recall everything that had happened only a half an hour ago, as so much had already occurred to damage his mental health even further.

“No matter how mad I want to be at the CEO… I can’t help but feel like all of this is my fault.  _ I’m  _ the one that agreed to the suspension because it was the only way I could be punished without possibly taking away from Jongdae’s situation in the process.”

“You what?!” Baekhyun gasped, “I understand not wanting to hurt Jongdae but… Suspension?!”

“I’m sorry,” Minseok’s voice cracked as tears began to well in the corners of his eyes, his head slowly lowering to rest itself on the younger’s shoulder, “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Baekhyun’s lips began to quiver and he wrapped his arms around Minseok’s torso, pulling him into an endearing hug, “No one is blaming you, Minseok. This just sucks.”

“I’m already rethinking my life decisions,” Minseok said underneath his quiet sobs.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?” He continued, “The CEO clearly doesn’t want me here and neither does fate.”

Baekhyun pouted, “Because had you not ended up here, I wouldn’t have been introduced to a strong individual such as you. Neither would’ve Jongdaeー”

“Don’t you get it?!” Minseok exclaimed, suddenly lifting his head off of Baekhyun’s shoulder and escaping his embrace, “Jongdae’s death is going to ruin me! Had I not met him, my entire life and soul wouldn’t be destroyed! Please quit relating everything to him! Please!” 

And with that, tears had spurted from Minseok’s eyes and untamed weeps left his lips. Baekhyun stared at the crying boy, taking a gulp as he was now lost for words before he could say anything else to make the situation even worse. 

“I’m sorry, hyung, please don’t cry,” Baekhyun frowned, “ I’ll tell everyone to stop talking about him, I’ll even hide the letters from you if you want me to. Just please stop crying, okay?”

“What’s going on?” Chanyeol asked from outside Minseok’s bedroom, lightly knocking on the door, “Is Minseok okay?”

“He’s fine,” Baekhyun answered, pulling Minseok in for a comforting hug once again.

The elder gave in, gradually subduing his weeps while they were muffled under Baekhyun’s chest. After a moment of letting loose every emotion he had been bottling up throughout the day, his mind and body had finally been put at ease as the hug continued, the two refusing to let go of each other.

“Baekhyun?”   
  


“Yeah, Minseok?”

“Everything’s going to be okay, right?”

“I can’t make any promises,” Baekhyun said in a near whisper, “But I’ll be by your side every step of the way . All of us will.”

The two looked over at Minseok’s phone as it started to ring disruptively and Minseok’s heart sank at the sight of the CEO’s contact, unsure of what the outcome of this call may be. While still sunken into Baekhyun’s chest, he shakily reached his hand out to grab his phone and held it close to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Minseok, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s urgent,” The CEO said in a rather cautious tone.

“If this is about my suspension, I can just meet up with you in your office and we can sort things out ー”

The man cut Minseok off, taking a deep breath before making his next statement, “No, it isn’t about you. It’s about Jongdae.”

“What about Jongdae?” Minseok asked almost instantly, “Is he okay?!”

“I’m afraid not, the hospital just called to alert us that he’s going into cardiac arrest.”


End file.
